:-(

Dear, u can write those letters as a writing practice or to keep urself abreast of happenings

Thats it 

I ll manage this exam by myself

If I dont clear it , its still ok

Born Again!!!

Ammi,

Life has returned to my body. Its  all because of you. Today I make a promise to myself, I will never think of myself as second to anybody. I have got most loving parents, I will do everything to make them proud. I have you, you love me and you are proud of me.

I cant be born as a tamil, and i cant give up loving you for then I will not remain I. So I try to put myself in a father's shoes and picture if i have to marry my daughter to a guy from a different region, Wht can make me most comfortable.

The first thing i want is he should know my language, tht will help me connect with him. further he should have a loving family, who loves my daughter. He should also have a stable source of income.Being a father its my duty to ensure tht my child is well fed and she doesnt take a stupid decision. So without all this how can i marry her to someone?

Well I have resolved to learn tamil by next year, so ht when you has to tell  dad I should speak fluently.
I used to think in delhi tht wht if ma and papa dont love ammi as much as I do, But it turns out that was a mere misconception i had developed because i was away from them for a long time, They are incapable of doing something which I dont want. The mere fact that i love u is enough. The mere fact that u r a girl with such values and character is enough. The mere fact the you love me is enough. and I have all these to reinforce each other, so them not loving u is not a possibility.

I am in a field where I cant promise to get into UPSC, its tough and unpredictable. But i will give my everything to it. In case god thinks i am not fit, I will find a way out and have something stable by end of 2015.

I dont need any more money than to survive  because I have u , but this is solely for our parents for i know u can live with me even if u have to starve.

I will make ma papa mummy daddy all proud and so will you. They have sacrificed everything for us, now its our turn. Even if we dont get any help from gods from now on we cant blame them as they have given us more than people get in 100's of lifetimes --they have given us each other. Still i have faith, Lord hanuman has got us till here , he will see us through.

Your son, husband and devotee
Kanna

I hope!!!

I dont know if its the difference in language, my lack of command over english or a character flaw in me.She believes i disrespected daddy. Its really important to find out the truth?

Today morning, I woke up at 5 am, i felt i wanted to sleep more but i resolved yesterday that i will live my life as her son should. Further papa and mummy were there waking me up with all there love.I finally woke up and started studying, wanted to hear her voice so badly. I love her when she's sleeps and talks to me, especially "kamina, sone de na".

Mummy went back to sleep but  papa didn't, he was there in my room, trying to keep my spirits high, Sometimes even asking me stupid questions like which country is farthest from India and I confess I was a bit rude to him. Perhaps it was sleep, perhaps I felt he was keeping an eye on me or perhaps i wanted to call her so badly. I then realized, this is not how she would want me to be, I suddenly felt changed, I talked to papa properly, answered him, even asked few questions of my own. Thanked him for his help and finally i forced him to go to sleep again, I was selfish but a bit concerned too as he has a lot to work in the day.

Then I talked to her, day brightened up, I studied, 4 hours i really studied a lot, Then wanted to talked to her, got into a small discussion about our future. I said something, she misunderstood. Atleast thats my version of reality. I hate to call it my version. There is nothing mine.

I discussed with papa for long, he listened , helped me solve all my problems, only issue was i cudnt tell him papa i love this girl. I know if i would have told him he would have called daddy and talked directly. He somehow has solutions to all my problems.

I Finally though I had a solution, was eager to tell her. but when she typed the first word i felt alienated. My soul sensed something. I forced her to tell the truth, she thought i disregarded Daddy. I told her the truth, She didnt believe. My soul escaped, Heart stopped beating, life seemed at edge--about to fall.

She asked me to promise on her, I promised on everything I had--she didnt believe. I knew if she sees my eyes she can find the truth, I sent her a pic--she didnt believe. I tried with all I had, tears rolled down my eyes--she didnt believe.
I thought probably my love for her is not as magical as i think, I still have hope, I still have hope.

I went in the hall, was surrounded by ma papa and sister-- was still alone. I felt guilty for deceiving there love for me, but cudnt help it. Their love doesnt exist without hers and hers without them. People say i called her sisiter mother and lover, I think whts the difference.. does it all not lead to same.

Daddy,
She feels am not worthy of talking to u, still i gather enough courage to say something. I can never disrespect you, or disregard you. I am not capable. I feel respect for u, I idolize for ur daughter is a girl of impeccable character and unending love and  It was u and mummy who made her this, for all of us are a clean slate when born. I am sorry but today i feel a bit of jealousy for she has such devotion and love for u. This jealously is not because I want this devotion and love but because I believed till now that my devotion and love for her, is unsurpassable atleast in these times. Plz allow me to be ur son, and if i am not worthy enough atleast let me touch ur feet once.

Life is not moving, its just ticking back and forth. I feel heavy call of slumber and want to sleep. I dont know where to sleep but, exactly for past 4 months i have slept in her arms, my face on her neck . Where do i sleep today.I dont know.

I will try, I will try to sleep on the steps of hanuman temple, for i have found her there everytime i feared i will loose her.

Ammi,
I wont say i am sorry, I ask u to understand me. Even if u forgive me i wont be happy as tht  would mean disrespected daddy. Still, if u dont understand me , try again. My life is like a clock which has not stopped yet but just have enough battery for the hands to tick back and forth at same place. Neither moving , neither stopping.

u will find me on the steps of our hanuman temple, today , tomorrow, or even in next life.

To me , from me

Ammi,

I have never believed in love. I always thought it was a theatrical concept that’s widely misunderstood by an age group, that listened more to the body than to the soul. I always perceived it as a trick of temptations to trap the intellect from rising beyond.

I have always asked you to go for arranged marriage. That’s how you can be true to your mom, dad . That s how u earn the right to be respected as a mother.

God has always been generous with you. A wonderful family, good friends and a conducive environment

When I told u to ask God, for his consent, on the night of July 4, that morning your brain silenced me. My perceptions of a love marriage were echoed by the signals from your brain. U felt probably God is nt for this.. U picked up the phone to say a no.. He was talking with his soul and it was easier for me to connect.. I spoke on your behalf. I said “ Yes! I will marry you”.

From that day, numerous times your brain has been accusing me of having forgotten the values that I once stood for. I need to tell you this today

In the next birth, before you break walls of a womb, you ll make me a promise.. “ He will be my pursuit” . If you fail to, I’ll get diluted the very moment and wait to meet my him.

And here is why..

He loves you

He withers when you say “ Y have you done this to me? “

He dries up when I am sad.

When you are upset, he is restless to connect to you.. to comfort you.

He is born again every time you call him closer, “ Kanna, Ammi ke pass aaja”

He is full of your thoughts

He needs to know every moment that I am merged in him

He needs you to know that he feels safe in me

He has submitted himself to you. He lives with you every moment. He sees you in everything.. everyone… He smiles for you. Cries for you… Lives for you

When you say something that means you will have to stay away from him, his soul betrays him to come and live with me.. He stands in darkness lifeless, his inner light having found all its way to me, leaving him alone- not even himself in his company.

He sees his mom in you, his daughter in you, him in you

He  loves your family because he sees them from within me.. They mean the same to him as they mean to me. You might cease being their daughter. But we shall ever reflect the virtues we were born from.

He knows no hatred. He is pure in his love for you. His love for you can only grow.He is trust personified. He is all mighty. He shall never let go off me. He can take care of me and you , more than the giver of life. In him I ll find all happiness. In him I will rest.. In him I ll be born. With him will I sing…

Love is as real a concept as life. It knows no age and its an attempt to merge with another to expand beyond the body. It is a trick of an enlightened  intellect to transit to the paradise of spirituality.

I have not changed Ammi.. I am not capable of..

I still stand by the same values.. now stronger than ever before coz in his love I ve found the power of truth. I ll honour the love of mummy and daddy with a life lived for a purpose beyond life and I’ll give unto me the worth of being called “ Mumma” by the best of creations .

We are married now. An arranged one in deed… arranged when our destinies were written.

Its our first Diwali after marriage tomorrow. May the light of our love spread eternally and protect the two of you from all darkness.

Happy Diwali J

Am I TOO good!!?

I was born happy, But nobody held me
                              they thought they might stain me as I was too good
Mom never kissed me, Dad never scolded me
                              they though I deserved better parents as I was too good
Teachers never punished me, Friends never played with me
                              they said I am someone above them as I was too good
Sister never fought with me, She never snatched things from
                              they taught her she should imitate me as I was too good

The tap water doesn't satisfy my thirst anymore, I am always thirsty
                              probably I am too good
The oxygen no more fills my lungs, I often fall short of breath
                              probably I am too good, and need some exotic gas to inhale
The home  food no more fills my stomach, I am hungry
                              probably I am too good
The cheap bed at home doesn't comfort me anymore, I cant sleep
                               probably I am too good

I love a girl, and she loves me,
                                                but she thinks I am too good 
With her I am myself and content,
                                                but she thinks I am too good 
With her I love everybody,
                                                but she thinks I am too good 
She is my only source of happiness,
                                                but she thinks I am too good 

I don want to be too good,
I dont want her to leave me, I dont want to stand on a 27 story building and think am I too good
and should I get a higher building to jump,
                                                                            I dont want to be too good Ammi. 
                                                                           I just want to be KANNA. 

The first para was imaginary,
The second a mere  reflection of third
The third a premonition
and the fourth just the offshoot of third.

However I am good and this will not be reality of my life

She loves me
                     becoz I am good
She will marry me
                     becoz I am good
My parents are proud of me
                    becoz I am good
My sister fights with me 
                    becoz I am good

Life is beautiful with u, there is no life without u
Thank you ammi u have ensured I live happily 
Its a rare gift u have given me
Am not too good neither u r , After all
How can someone be too good for himself.

Two Moments

Dear Shona, 

I still remember that night, i was lying on the beach and you were sitting next to me. I wanted to be alone and thats why i moved away from others. Nobody bothered, some didn't notice others didn't care but u came and sat next to me. u refused to go and i even told u forcefully to go. I remember talking to my mom in same manner when she doesn't listen to me in first instance.

You sat there till i finally started feeling better, I felt protected and shielded , i dont know from what but i felt same lying next to you.

We started walking, you told me whenever you are sad u look up-to the stars and find your solution. I though why is this girl caring for me so much, but that gave me enough reason to be happy for some time. U suggested that i should look up the sky whenever i am sad. I tried to convince you that you were mistaken and i was not actually sad.

The next day was 30th night. I was sad, you know the reason. I found myself alone. I was drunk and then in that weak and drunken  state i found myself  looking up-to starts, waiting for my answer. i cursed god for putting me in such a situation and asked him am i alone in this land away from land. He must have smiled at me and felt petty on my foolishness as i did not realize i was not away from home, my home was few feets apart and it was me who didn't realize it.

I am sorry Ammi. 

today, on 20th october, i have relived those 15 minutes on beach when u sat next to me and then when u told me about looking to starts. I have tried my best to alter history and found myself hugging u on that beach in that night in some alternate reality. i can still feel your warmth sitting next to me and giving me life when i needed it the most.

One more moment i relived today repeatedly, was when we were standing on the steps of ARC bar just after new year's countdown. When Jimmy , loose and asmita were lost and bansal went to search for them. You remember i was holding you from behind and truing to protect you from the mad, rushing, nude crowd all around us. I saw u getting uncomfortable and found myself inclined to take you out of that place, the place which we all though we will enjoy.

Its the people and not the place that is required for being happy.

I have relived these two moments over and over again today, the first one makes me feel protected and second one makes me feel protective.

I feel happy shona, and you are the reason. I hope i can be the cause of your happiness, each day to follow in your life.

(if you look closely this was the pool in night of new year. on the top left corner of this pic there were stairs and i got u back from there)

forever yours

Kanna